Over-coming Childhood Violence

 This is a great way to get rid of painful emotional flashbacks.   

It is vitally important to do. Emotional flashbacks (also known as “dysregulation”  or “mental hi-jacking”) is an extremely common affliction for abuse survivors.   

This is a great strategy for handling a flashback. First, you must become aware of when dysregulation (a flashback)  is happening to you. Read “Understanding Dysregulation aka Emotional Flashbacks” to get a good handle on how this works. It is the central problem for most child abuse survivors.    

Nutshell

-  Our trauma memories live in the brain 

-  We often get triggered by criticism or a negative comment; our brains then react badly due to 

       painful memories.   

-  We are flooded with emotions that feel just like the ones we felt as abused children. Our  

       thinking goes out of sync. 

-  We get confused; our thinking may get “glitchy”. 

-  We may feel physical symptoms (sweating, nausea), or have a desire to run away. 

-  We can CROWD OUT those thoughts by quickly reciting other, better thoughts.  

-  If we keep it up for months, our actual under-lying beliefs may start to change and pain eases.    

Since anxiety and trauma live in the central nervous system (brain), we must devise specialized strategies to overcome the physiological effects that are a result of abuse. 

Becoming aware of how it works and what to do about it is a major step in recovery.   

You must be able to know how to detect the fact that your thinking is dysregulated (you've been triggered and are now having an emotional flashback). Having a specific strategy to fight off the dysregulation is key. One very powerful strategy is to make a list of your accomplishments and good qualities and begin reciting them to yourself the moment you detect you're out of sync.   

Everyone has survived something, everyone has accomplished something, everyone has at least some good qualities.   

- Learn to recognize the on-set of a flashback.  

- Make a list of your good qualities and/or accomplishments. 

- FLOOD THE ZONE of your brain by quickly reciting your list.    

Say positive things about yourself quickly and stop the hi-jacking. 

You can PRE-EMPT the flashback – stop it in its tracks and keep control of your thinking. Even if it goes on for hours or days, keep reciting the list to yourself. Also use your affirmations.   

What to do:    

Make the list and be prepared to notice your feelings and reactions. Be ready to read the list to yourself the moment you think you're getting dysregulated. The moment you sense the old confusion – read the list. The second you recognize the old horrible feelings, say the list and stop the hi-jacking.   

Flood the zone (of your brain) by saying the positive things about yourself that will fight off the old bad beliefs and feelings. (Use affirmations, too.) Keep it up even if it goes on for weeks.   

Write the list of things you will say to yourself to flood the zone. This list is how you will crowd out the repetitive negative thoughts you have now: 

These are my good qualities and things I have accomplished:   

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*Keep this list with you.   

*Take it out and read it at the on set of a flashback.   

*Put it on a small card and use it to flood the zone the second you feel triggered.    

This is a core problem for most child abuse survivors. The inner critic is the destructive voice we hear in our heads that constantly brings us down with harsh negative criticism about everything we are and everything we do. It is the voice everyone has but turned way up in volume and harshness. For abuse survivors, this inner voice can be a source of horrific torment as it keeps us scared or angry and feeling bad about ourselves all the time. The internal sense of shame can become almost overwhelming. “Toxic shame” is the term given to the extreme negative beliefs of the abuse survivor. And to make it worse, our culture can often make survivors feel shame for their experiences – the shame that it happened, and the shame of our struggles afterward.  

The negative things that happened to us changed our brains to be wired to look for problems. It is a survival mechanism. Being abused when we were small and vulnerable taught our brains to be on guard all the time. It also taught us to feel badly. Early experiences of violence and intense fear burn these beliefs into our physical brains – our neural pathways store these energies until they are resolved.   

As children, we can't help but unconsciously interpret our abuse as a sign that we're no good and not worthy of love and protection.  Those harsh beliefs then replay over and over in our minds, becoming a torment.   

We're easily triggered by the slightest criticism.   

Those negative beliefs also strengthen over time, presenting a huge obstacle to happiness and calm. They must be challenged and replaced with better thoughts. It will take time and effort but it is vitally important if we want to achieve real calm and happiness and resolve our C-PTSD. 

There is a ton of information available about how to tame the inner critic. Information on this is very easy to find – that's the good news. It's doing something about it that is the goal now.   

Anxietylab.org and the 3-4-5 Program are designed to be effective as quickly as possible without having to do any more reading or work than is absolutely necessary. There are links below for more research and back up information. The Lab also recommends books by Pete Walker and Arielle Scwhartz for those who want more in-depth study.   

Characteristics: 

 - This Inner-Critic voice is usually quite authoritative and has no patience for anything but perfection. The critical thoughts are usually in the “all-or-nothing” category:  “I'm NEVER going to win.” I ALWAYS lose.”  “I'm COMPLETELY useless.” “NO ONE cares about me.” 

 - The thoughts are usually repetitive and once they begin, they replay in our head over and over until challenged

 - It becomes an addiction, a habit 

 - It seems to be productive to listen to the inner-critic because it may seem like we're working on our flaws 

 - The inner-critic is a perfectionist. Inner-critics demand perfection (which is the enemy of the abuse survivor).    

Challenging the Inner-Critic: 

The most effective way to overcome the Inner-Critic is to use a combination of methods:  

 - consciously notice the critical voice (write it down when you catch it, if possible) 

 - consciously ask yourself what you believe about yourself (Inventory and daily logging)   

 - challenge those beliefs by doing Method #2: Reality Testing (are these things true?) 

 - decide that you will replace negative beliefs with positive ones (saying daily Affirmations will re-wire the brain to replace repetitive thoughts) 

 - ask yourself: would I say these things to a friend?  

 - develop habits that strengthen these efforts (meditation, exercise, sleep, etc.),

 - turn the critic into a cheerleader instead by believing in your own worth 

 - decide that you are going to have better thoughts and beliefs because you are worthy of happiness 

 - firmly decide that you are going to be kinder to yourself  

 - make a list of your positive qualities, (you'll need it when you have flashbacks). This is very important to do. Think hard, list every good thing about yourself that you can think of, even small things, (“I'm good at washing the dishes.”). Everyone has accomplished something in their life, even if it was just surviving a bad childhood That's a positive accomplishment. Put it on your list first.  

Further research: Inner Critic definition: https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychpedia/inner-critic

Inner Critic Hacks: https://www.forbes.com/sites/melodywilding/2020/05/11/inner-critic-hacks-8-easy-exercises-to-quiet-negative-self-talk-in-seconds/?sh=7f35d1921d2e

4 Ways to Over Come Your Inner Critic: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/compassion-matters/201305/4-ways-overcome-your-inner-critic

Shrinking the Inner Critic: “COMPLEX PTSD:
FROM SURVIVING TO THRIVING”, Pete Walker, M.A., M.F.T.  (book)   http://www.pete-walker.com/shrinkingInnerCritic.htm   

People who are abused and neglected are often treated as though they do not have the same rights as others. They learn to cope and protect themselves with various strategies that often involve giving up their autonomy. If an adult abuser demands to be in a child's space, the child can't really refuse; (the same is often true for adults in an abusive relationship). This is an enormous problem for abused persons: the ability to maintain safe personal boundaries, both physical and psychological.   

“People-pleasers” often have a lack of good boundaries. They may have learned that pleasing other people will help reduce the pain of abuse. Doing anything anyone asks becomes a problem when a person has no time or energy for themselves and is doing whatever people tell them to do. It's a way to become utterly exhausted all the time – trying to please everyone else so we're not criticized or not hit or not left alone.  

People without healthy personal boundaries are more easily manipulated.   

Abusers do not respect their victim's rights, their dignity, their personal space or personal property. Often an abuser will use intimidation tactics to keep their victims where they want them.

Examples:   

- hide or destroy their property 

- gas-light them into questioning their own sanity 

- destroy their reputations  

Establishing healthy personal boundaries is vitally important for abuse survivors. It will be challenging at first as we learn to be assertive without being aggressive. It will take practice to learn how to stand up for yourself and maintain good boundaries if it's not something you learned in a healthy way. 

If a person was abused from a very young age, they may have never learned how to establish the personal boundaries that living in society requires. This could lead to destructive behaviors in adulthood. The survivor may have never learned how to respect others' boundaries, too.  Living in chaos tends to make it hard to learn the right lessons. 

One of the primary obstacles to maintaining healthy boundaries is guilt. Especially for abuse survivors and those who have had their subjectivity denied (women, children, the poor and minorities), sticking up for ourselves is very difficult. Mal-treatment has taught us the wrong lessons. Trying to establish healthy boundaries that ensure our dignity and allow us to live by OUR principles is a vital step in the growth process.   

We learned to give up everything for our abuser, so setting boundaries will make us feel guilty.   

That is the first thing to work on – not feeling guilty for being an ethical subject in your own right - a fully formed person with all the same rights and freedoms as everyone else.   

Start eliminating guilt in your journaling. Write affirmations about how you are not doing anything wrong by protecting yourself. Healthy boundaries are how we protect ourselves. This is every human's right and no one should feel guilty for wanting the right to say no, the right to privacy, the right to own their own property and the right to not be hit or raped.

Examples of boundaries that every healthy person should have: 

the right to privacy of thought 

the right to say no 

the right to not be blamed for things I did not do 

the right to defend myself

the right to not do things I do not want to do 

the right to my own private time and space 

the right to be vulnerable and ask for help, time or space

the right to accept help 

the right to be a whole person even if single 

the right to be respected 

the right to express my own feelings 

the right to make a choice  

the right to keep my own principles 

the right to my own possessions 

the right to negotiate for myself 

the right to my body 

the right to feel my own feelings

the right not to forgive

the right to actively grow better feelings 

the right to my own friendships 

the right to end a relationship

Steps:

- Decide on my new boundaries (do journaling until I figure out what I want or start with the list below) 

 - Write affirmations that will wire them into the brain and say them every day 

 - Be assertive with people (start politely telling them when they cross a boundary) 

 - Start standing up for myself when not treated well (politely refuse to be bullied)  

Sample Affirmations: 

I don't have to tell anyone my private thoughts. 

I don't have to do everything you tell me.

I refuse to take the blame of others (I didn't _______________  myself. THEY did it.)

I have the right to be left alone sometimes. 

Even if I'm flawed, I deserve respect as a human being. 

I am still me even if I'm single. 

I have the right to disconnect on social media or anywhere else.

I have the right to say how I feel even if you don't like it. 

I get to own my own things.

I don't have to lie just because you tell me to.

I have the right to change my mind. 

I have the right to______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________________. 

It's okay to say no sometimes because 

It's appropriate to refuse to do something when 

I have the freedom to 

Other people don't have the right to ask me

 Abuse survivors must grieve the loss. Then retrieve what we can. 

The loss of our childhoods. 

The loss of dignity. 

The loss of calm. 

The loss of happiness. 

The loss of our self-image.   

The loss of knowing our families are damaged. 

The loss of having society heap shame on us. 

The loss of trust.  

The loss of desire (to live or be loved). 

The loss of the ability to be comfortable with others. 

The loss of the possibility of a normal life. 

The loss of the ability to ever feel good or feel safe. 

The loss of what our lives could have been. 

The loss of time.   

The loss of affection.  

The loss of innocence.  

There's a lot to grieve. We also must get back (retrieve) what we can.   

Part I: Grieiving

Take some time to grieve your losses, just as if a person you love died. Grieve what you lost when you were treated badly and abused.    

Acknowledging the loss helps end the bad feelings and clear the way for better feelings to grow. It could feel like crossing a threshold – ending the old times and beginning the new better times.   

It may help us feel better when we express the feelings of loss and disappointment that this is the life we were given. Our negative experiences are what we had to live through before claiming our happiness later in life.   

Steps: 

-Decide on how long you want to grieve (A day? A week? A month? A year?)

-Make a schedule in your notebook or digital device 

-Wear black 

-Light a candle 

-Do whatever your religion or faith tradition requires, if any 

-Pray or meditate or draw or sing a song about how life will get better now 

-Plan to RETRIEVE what you can (it's not too late for love, success, happiness)  

Part II:  Retrieval list 

Make a list of the things you thought you would never have or experience because of what happened to you – things that you may be able to have after all. What can you “get back”? Did you write off the possibility of being happy? Now you can retrieve it.  Did you give up on the possibility of having a happy marriage? It's not too late. Did you give up hope of relieving the pain of your past? Do the work to make it end and retrieve your ability to feel good.   

I can get these back if I work hard:

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