Part II

One thing that is a guarantee: there will be set-backs and challenging moments when you think it's not working or you get overwhelmed or something triggers feelings you thought you had under control.   

What will be required is the ability to 'bounce-back' and keep going. These set-backs are good as they give us a chance to put our anxiety-fighting tools to work in the moment.   

Know set-backs are coming and be prepared for them. 

Meeting a set-back head on and dealing with it while remaining calm is often a confidence boosting event. 

Welcome set-backs as you get stronger.  

AFFIRMATIONS FOR SET-BACKS:

This is for me to have a better life - I will not give up just because it's hard.

I know it will take time and effort to change my anxiety problem.  

I know nothing is easy and that this will take some time.  

I know difficult things take motivation and I will not give up!  

Even successful people have set backs.  

Falling down or backsliding is not the end of the world. I can keep going. 

I know nothing is perfect – I do not expect myself to be perfect. 

Trying to improve is never wrong.   

Even when I have set-backs, I know I'm making progress.  

Even when it seems like things are not getting better, I will double down on trying to improve my responses.    

Even with set-backs, I know life is better with even a little progress. 

It HAS to improve if I put out the effort.  

Even when something bad happens and I question the progress, I know that is temporary.  

My commitment to ending my anxiety problem is stronger than the occasional set back.   

I will  ____________________________________________________________

I want  __________________________________________________________

I vow to myself __________________________________________________

I know that ______________________________________________________

Get off of social media and stop watching news for a while. 

Decide on a period of time that you will go on a media diet - an hour? A  week?  A month? 

For that period of time greatly reduce or eliminate intake of movies/TV shows, news, music or games with violent or disturbing lyrics or imagery. 

Take a break from watching and reading all news, (news, 'infotainment' sites  including reality shows, weather/catastrophe shows, etc.). 

It is becoming increasingly important to recognize the negative influence of social media when not used with deliberation and caution.

During a healing period, it may be very important to stop using social media for a while: avoid the vortex of emotional contagion and manipulation on sites like Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, etc.

Media Diet Worksheet – take a break from media 

Keep track of your media diet goals by using this sheet.   

Decide how long you want to stay off of media. A day? A week? A month?   

Decide which type of media you want to restrict for a while. Which kind of media will you NOT look at for a while?

Circle all the apply: Social media, Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, Tik-Tok,) TV news, talk radio, blogs, cable news, newspapers, magazines, texts, etc.  

Write a short paragraph explaining how you felt before you stopped, then follow up with a short paragraph about how you felt after the break.    

I stayed off of these sites: (make a list)

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

For this long: 

How I feel before taking the time off of media: 

How I feel now after the time off from media:

RULE #3: Make a distinction between solvable and unsolvable problems   

Is this outside your control or something you can actually do something about? Problems that are outside one's control are the most common to worry about because the act of worrying itself makes us feel better and is a distraction from our true emotions. Feeling what you have to feel about a situation is difficult (it's a shame; it's not fair; I'm angry, I regret making that mistake, etc.), but better than destructive non-stop worry. The ability to accept what we cannot change is a mark of maturity and wisdom but must be actively cultivated. It takes effort but the damage to our happiness and well-being if we do not develop this skill is obvious.   

Method 3: Target anxiety itself   

In your affirmations you may at some point make anxiety itself the intentional object. Targeting the thing in itself can empower you to change the psychological and physical addiction to the worry habit. Once you intentionally identify and target this habit, it will weaken. Doing this kind of affirmation every day and believing it is how to 're-wire' your brain to not automatically go into this mode.   

Sample affirmations to target the worry habit:   

I understand that dwelling on an issue is not actually helpful even if it brings me relief.   

I  vow to stick to the worry schedule.   

I promise myself that I will un-wire the worry habit from my brain.   

I trust my decision-making enough to have faith that I'm not bringing disaster on myself.   

I understand that some of my worries are unfounded and unnecessary.   

I will learn to tolerate more uncertainty.   

True disasters are actually rare.   

I have handled scary things before, I can do it now without being overwhelmed.   

Uncertainty is just that – it's not certain to be bad or good or to happen at all.   

An unknown and uncertain situation can turn out good just as much as it could turn out bad.  

 
I trust myself to be responsible enough to handle daily issues that rarely turn into big problems. 

  
I have faith in myself to handle what comes.   

I promise myself that I will 'unwind' this habit from my brain.   

I understand that worrying is now a kind of physical addiction. I am working to end it.  I now know that this worry habit is destructive and I want to stop it.   

Worrying too much about things is not productive. I am wasting my energy.  

If your Final Answer thought (Method #1) has not been formulated or is not working well enough yet, try these other activities.

Ask yourself: Do I believe the following statements are true?:

Logic and common sense agree:

   *many predicted problems do NOT actually happen
   *some troubles work themselves out harmlessly
   *many situations end on neutral terms
   *most of what I worry about doesn't turn out the way I thought it would

Answer these questions for yourself:

Do I want to stop this habit?

How could I get to this belief?: I trust myself to handle it if it happens.

What groundwork would have to happen first?

How could I accomplish that groundwork?
 

Imagine your whole nervous system.  Combined with the peripheral nervous system, the Central Nervous System runs from your brain all through your body – nerves running through your body like a highway system. This is where anxiety lives.   

Imagine the 'top' of your central nervous system, the amygdala. Imagine it's blue, cold and frosty. Imagine your new, calm “cool blue” nervous system that stays frosty and calm all the time. Use this image  in meditation or as a calming technique.  

Perhaps you'll give yours another nick-name? Another color or metaphor? Once you've visualized what your calm new central nervous system looks like, take the time to solidify that image by turning it into art of some kind.  (Doing that further activity turns this into a tool you can use from now on to calm or focus yourself.)

How to stop the worry habit

Worrying is a habit that can be broken with effort. During times of stress when life events make us spend more time looking for solutions to our problems, worrying can overcome us with anxiety and fear. Many people will think through things to prepare for the event or issue, to find possible solutions and to generally 'solve it'. But thinking through an issue is qualitatively different in tone, duration and method from the destructive rumination that often seems like productive attention.   

Ruminating (worrying) is thinking about an issue or memory over and over and over again identifying more angles to the perceived problem without ever coming to any solution.   

Even the open-minded “What if?” thinking style can be distorted into unproductive rumination. Looking for all conceivable dangers of any given situation may seem like the responsible thing to do when in fact you are hurting your own ability to handle the real issue if/when it does actually happen.   

Combined with the other anxiety-fighting practices, (daily exposure to beauty, little or no news consumption, and the physical methods to unwind anxiety from your central nervous system), these methods will be highly effective.   

Daily steps to take if worrying too much is a problem: 

Ask: What is it about? Get to the root cause of what it is that you're worrying about and figure out steps needed to fix it.  Eliminate the trigger. Journaling and/or speaking about the issue or memory will help find the trigger for the rumination. 

To get a sense of how much you do this, take a selfie or make a note each time you catch yourself doing it and then count the times you caught yourself worrying about the same thing. Try to reduce that number. 

Decide to shift focus; redirect attention towards positive things. Get a hobby, take a walk, call someone to discuss other things, read a good book or watch a good movie. 

Your mind can't ruminate if it's engaged in something else.   

Replace rumination with writing a gratitude list every day. Thinking of more positive things can replace harmful rumination.  Re-frame the issue in a better way. 

For example: all wedding days have glitches. Laugh at the things that went wrong instead of judging yourself or feeling judged by others. Everyone knows wedding days are notorious for problems. A realistic view of life situations may help end useless worrying.  

Take responsibility for your choices of job, friends, living arrangements, etc. If they make you anxious or sick, change them.  

Help others (get out of yourself). Shift focus to something positive that is outside yourself. Volunteer with an organization or just go out and do it, (take donations to a charity, clean up something in the neighborhood, send well-wishes to the elderly stuck inside homes, etc...) Use the other skills to break the rumination habit: daily mindfulness, journaling, exercise.  

Overcome perfectionism. The need to have things perfect or always be seen as “perfect” leads to exhaustion and more anxiety. Accept that mistakes and flaws are human and inevitable and cannot be avoided all the time. Embrace your mistakes, take responsibility and promise to fix what you can. Then move on.  

Release the need to control everything. No one can control everything that happens to them.   

For really stubborn memories that you can't over, consider professional help. EMDR can be very effective at reducing this problem.    

Intention is the root of all actions. It allows our creative forces to make things happen. It is clarifying and helps focus the mind on what you want to achieve. Every action begins with intention.   

Websters dictionary defines it as: “A determination to act in a certain way”.   

More broadly, it is the energy force that enables us to act and make things happen.    

Nothing happens without intention - the intention of the person or persons who MADE THE THING HAPPEN.   

With mindfulness, we can all harness this power more effectively.   
 
Exercise:    

Experiment with different thoughts and see how they make you feel. In an attempt to notice how intention feels in your mind, say a few different sentences and then check your gut to determine if you really want (intend) to do that thing.   

Notice when you feel real intention toward something, and when you don't. Notice the FORCE of real intention when you think about something you really want to happen. Can you describe how it feels?   

Use the sample sentences below to check your internal “intention” response. Using a scale of 1-5, (5 being a strong agreement, 1 being no agreement with the sentence), rate how much real intention you have to do each thing.   

Example: Using a scale of 1-5, 5 is strongest agreement, 1 is no agreement. 

5    “I intend to end my anxiety problem.”   

1     “I intend to eat bugs for dinner tonight.”

___  “I intend to clean the house this week.”

___  “I intend to say something kind to one of my neighbors this weekend.”

___  “I intend to end my bad eating habits.”

___  “I intend to learn how to meditate better.”

___  “I intend to learn how to do calculus.”

___  “I intend to make more money.”

___ “I intend to make my dreams come true.” 

Comparison exercise:  Write down a real intention you have. Then write out something you do NOT want to do. Notice the difference in how you feel when you write them. Notice how different it feels when you write the one you really want to do from how you feel when you write the one you really have no intention of doing.   

Sentence #1  - a real intention    

I will: 

Sentence #2  - NOT a real intention (write about something you do NOT really intend to do)

I will: 

Motivation is a vital force. Without the motivation to make something happen, it won't happen. Closely aligned with intention, these twin powers are how people build, create, learn and achieve everything we do.    

Motivation is how to harness the all-consuming power of human desire. The ancients called desire “passion” and it is passion that fuels people's greatest achievements.     

Changing the self (and how we think and behave) is incredibly difficult. We are all aware of the zillions of failed diets, failed attempts to quit smoking and drinking, etc. Sometimes those are chemical addictions that the brain has trouble giving up, making it almost impossible to stop them with just will-power.

 But not totally impossible.    

With enough targeted motivation, we can change ourselves.    

Combined with the other powers and methods, we can change our brains. Neuroplasticity is a physical fact – we can change thinking habits and the behaviors that result. We can overcome addictions – even chemical ones. Bad thinking is a kind of chemical addiction – the chemicals are just brain chemicals instead of drugs we take.    

With enough motivation, behaviors can change.  Addictions can be overcome with enough desire and well targeted action.     

Motivation exercise #1 – Desire    

In your journal start making a list of the most important things you intend to do once you've overcome your anxiety problem. Decide on the single most important thing you want, then figure out the underlying motivation for it.    

  Example: “I want to be 15 pounds lighter.”    

Explore the feelings and beliefs around this goal. WHY do I want to be 15 pounds lighter? What is the underlying motivation for this goal?    

Q: Why do I want to be 15 pounds lighter?     

A: To be more attractive to others and to be more respected.    

  The underlying motivation is to be more attractive and more respected.   

Whatever the motivation is, that is the vital force that will fuel your actions and intentions. 

You may or may not be able to achieve the goal of losing that 15 pounds, but without motivation and intention, it is guaranteed that it will not ever happen.    

  This is what needs to be harnessed: real motivation based on your desires.  
  

Motivation exercise #2: Identity  

Use your sense of identity to fortify your motivations. Dig deep into your most meaningful sense of yourself to discover what you really want out of life (your motivation).  

Step #1  Use pictures and other images of yourself at your best.    

Step #2    Make a list of the best things you've ever accomplished. (Even just going to school or work on a regular basis is an accomplishment.  Surviving a harsh childhood is an accomplishment.)    

Step #3  Concentrate on how the best version of you would do things.    

Then ask yourself these questions to activate your internal sense of personal motivation: 

If I were the best person I could be, what would I do about ___?

When I'm at my best, I'm good at _____

I'll use that to also achieve the change I'm working on.    

If I could do_______________, then I can do this.    

What do I stand for?

  
Is this the person I want to be?   

I am the kind of person who would (wouldn't) 

Everyone has survived something.   

Everyone has achieved something in their life.   

True self-confidence is built up over time as a person lives through life's challenges.   

Confidence is needed if we are going to over-come our anxiety. 

If you are experiencing anxiety bad enough to have to work on it, then there must be some issue or memory or thing in your life that didn't go well. Something went wrong in your life at some point, and now you have anxiety. This happens to almost all thinking, feeling people at some point. Abuse survivors live with it constantly.    

Fear and anxiety can develop when life doesn't go well or we have issues with a relationship or job or other problem.   

Confidence is vitally important for a person's ability to meet their challenges and fix them.   

 Confidence building exercise #1 

Use your journal to notate a bad experience you've survived in your life, (don't use a serious trauma). Then write out how you handled it. How did you survive it?    

 Confidence building exercise #2  

In your journal, make a list of all the things you've accomplished in your life. This list should include all the seemingly simple daily tasks we all do that we don't think of as “accomplishments”. But they should be considered accomplishments because just going to school most days can be very difficult for lots of people. Going to a grueling or unsatisfying job every day is an accomplishment.    
  
  These seemingly simple things should be celebrated and used to build more confidence. 

 List example: 

I've gone to school almost every day for 14 years! That's a lot!  

I've paid my rent on time almost every month for ____  years.  

I fixed my friend's _____________________ that time.    

I helped that guy get his cat out of the tree.    

I've survived 34 uncomfortable Thanksgivings with _______    

I survived all those years in a violent relationship. 

I helped someone with their car.    

My house is always clean.    

 
Once you have a list, use it to build your sense of confidence to achieve more difficult things.    

Example: 

 If I did_______________ ,  then I can also do ______

It is now very common to suffer with anxiety problems. Whatever the severity or cause of your anxiety, it may help to practice certain things to build up your tolerance to mild negative feelings (which are inevitable in life). Many tasks are anxiety-inducing because we've lapsed into bad thinking habits. Perhaps our thinking is now leading us to believe that being uncomfortable for even a second is a real threat. Of course it is not, so learning to tolerate being uncomfortable could really help ease anxiety.   
 
Exercise:   

Practice being uncomfortable or anxious for a while. Know that being uncomfortable for a while will not kill you or hurt you in any way. Choose a mild activity that you know makes you uncomfortable or anxious and practice it. Do it mindfully for a few minutes at first then a little longer to build your tolerance (muscle).   

Examples of common anxiety-inducing tasks that each person MUST be able to tolerate if they want to stay healthy and positive: 

1. stand in a long line and patiently wait for your turn
2. look a stranger in the eye when ordering food or passing in a hallway 
3. watch a show you don't like if your friend wants to see it 
4. listen to music you don't like and try to find something good about it
5. force yourself to be on time to an appointment if you are a person who's late a lot 
6. volunteer for a duty or task that you usually don't do because you don't like it

Find a simple method to quiet the mind. Use it 4 days a week at minimum to train the brain how to stop nagging thinking. Do it every day if you can, morning and evening, preferably.  

Your meditation method should be used at the end of the day and/or after intensive work or writing. It can be anything that quiets the mind and gets you to a more relaxed state of being. This will enable the brain to stay regulated (or be re-regulated after a difficult time). It harmonizes the physical and mental energies so we feel more at ease.     

Examples of activities that quiet the mind:  

1. traditional meditation (sit still, do deep slow breathing, say a mantra over and over)  
2. non-traditional meditation (be still and quiet and visualize your happier life)  
3. praying 
4. physical exercise 
5. hum a favorite song  
6. long, hot bath in silence 
7. nature walk (alone) in a safe quiet place you're comfortable in  
8. read a literary classic (physical book)  
9. play kindly with the dog or cat  
10. do gardening  
11. any creative project just for fun (paint or draw but with NO judgment or goal)  
12. cultivate a houseplant inside  
13. write a poem  
14. write a gratitude list   
    

• How to do traditional meditation:  
  Find a quiet place to sit for 15 minutes  
• Sit comfortably but in a way that you won't fall asleep 
• Think of a calming word (“mantra”) and whisper it to yourself (or think it) once every 3 seconds.  This is to stop other thoughts from intruding. 
• Notice that other thoughts will still be there. Know you can IGNORE THEM.  
• Let stray thoughts just float by without responding to them. (The mind never stops churning out thoughts. But we can ignore a  lot of them once we learn how.) 
• Breath slow and steady and deep.  
• Allow God, your Higher Power, Nature or the Universe to give you insight or inspiration.   
• Allow the sense of connection to all eternity to flow into your consciousness.  

This will regulate the brain and keep it calm. Then our thinking skills will improve and our ability to handle negative emotions will be stronger.   

Key idea: We've all lapsed into bad habits. Taking control of our thinking habits by seeing them clearly can help ease psychological pain.

The Thinking Styles page has a list of negative, maladaptive thinking styles that people fall into. These are habits that will only increase pain and anxiety. We can  get used to thinking in better ways with some awareness and practice.   

This is where the vital force of intention is needed – sometimes we must change something about ourselves and must summon great energy and commitment to make it happen. Changing how we think is often one of the things we must change in order to be happier. It is difficult but absolutely possible with practice. We can learn to challenge and change automatic thinking responses that are not helpful.     
  
  
What to do:  Read through the Thinking Styles page on the 3-4-5 Program.  Write down each style in your journal and then write out the definition.  Look at each description and make a list in your journal of which styles you believe you have.   Then take a day or two to closely monitor your thinking to see what style you actually do most. Use this page to complete the activity.   

Day 1 of monitoring thinking styles: 

I noticed I do this: 

I found out that I often use this style when I'm upset:    

I caught myself doing this:

I found out that I often use this style when I'm at ease:   

I now believe my main thinking style is: